I woke up one morning as usual and embarked on normal morning activities before having breakfast. Once I was out of the house, I realized that my eyes could not see as usual. When I looked at objects far away, my eyes began to tear due to the rays of the sun that seemed brighter than usual. Since I had not developed any serious illness before, I ignored this feeling for about three weeks after which it became clear that I could not look at bright objects directly. By now both my eyes were swollen and this forced me to seek medical help. The local doctors told me that they could not diagnose what I was suffering from hence they had to refer me to a better medical facility, which was the Moi Teaching and Referral Hospital.
When I visited the referral hospital, the doctor in charge after observing me told me that they could not diagnose my case hence I needed to visit the clinic every Wednesday so that they could try to manage my situation. Though they prescribed some ointments for me to use, the situation worsened and my eyes began to develop sores making it difficult for me even to blink. The pain I felt was beyond description. It was during my frequent visits, and due to the rare occurrence of cases such as mine, that the doctor in charge of the eye unit introduced me to the lecturer for doctors-in-training. The lecturer began to use me as a specimen in their classes, making me feel more pain, and eventually making me develop a negative attitude towards the medical facility. Due to this, I began missing clinic sessions and after a while I began to seek herbal treatment because it seemed to me that the doctors could not understand what I was really going through. I continued in this state for about three years, moving from one herbal medicine person to another while the situation continued to worsen.
One Sunday afternoon my local church pastor realized that I had not been attending church services for a while. When he enquired about my whereabouts, he was told that my eye issue had worsened to the extent that I could not come to church. My pastor had to drive to my home, and when he saw how devastated I was, he offered to take me to the eye hospital. On Monday, the following day, he and his wife picked me and took me to Friends’ Hospital Sabatia, where I was diagnosed to be suffering from an eye condition known as a cornea ulcer, a rare condition in Kenya although common in India.
After the diagnosis, the doctor told me that I needed to undergo emergency eye surgery to save the one eye which was still seeing, although not as clearly as it used to. Such was my desperation, I accepted to undergo the operation which to some extend succeeded. Nine months later, however, the issue re-emerged and this time when I went back to the hospital, I was told that I needed to undergo another operation in which my eye had to be sealed: a process known as cornea flap, meaning that it was the end of me seeing again, although this did not register until after I came out of theatre.
“I’m finished” - this was what went through my mind when I woke up from theatre and realized that my sight was completely gone. To be sure about this, I asked the nurse who was helping me to locate my bed whether I would be able to see again and the words that came from her mouth were soft but did not ease my worries, “I cannot tell you for sure that you shall see again”, she said.
I spent the whole of that afternoon sobbing in bed. The night was no different. The fact that I could not see, and that I was alone in hospital - my parents, brothers and my guardian were all far away from me. In fact I had not informed any of them that I was going to hospital that week and my pastor, who had brought me, had since travelled to Mombasa on a business trip. The four days spent in hospital felt like a year.
On the third day, the doctor told me that I was going to leave for home the following day. I spent the whole of that night thinking about how I would get back to my home in Eldoret town. When morning came, the doctor called those of us who were to be released, myself included. As it had been for the previous three days, one of the nurses got hold of my hand and brought me to reception. I gave her some money to purchase my medication for me, which I was then to use at home. When she was finished, she asked me about my guardian, or the person who had come to take me home. I told her that no one was aware that I was in hospital, other than the pastor who had brought me to the hospital, and that he had travelled to Mombasa. I requested her to take me to the gate and help me to get a matatu heading towards Eldoret. She accepted and took me to the gate and had the security man at the gate help me board a matatu to Eldoret town.
For the following year I lived in denial. My mind was full of negative thoughts such as wanting to die. I lost my self-esteem. I felt that I had now become useless and that my life had come to an end. I actually lost interest in everything that I used to enjoy before. Because of all the stress, I developed several other complications, ulcers being one of them. Due to all these complications, I also broke up with my girlfriend with whom I had been friends for a long time. We had been planning to get married but due to the hopeless state that I was in, she just lost all confidence in me.
What also contributed to my hopelessness was the poverty that was in our family: the fact that there could be no money to take me to a special school; none of my brothers and sisters had a job to support me in any way. Also the situation was far worse now that I was far from home, and none of my brothers or sisters had come to see and comfort me. I was now in the hands of people with whom I had no blood relationship at all.
During this time, I was blaming myself for not seeking medical help in good time. I also began to ask myself questions that I could not find answers to. I constantly asked myself whether I had wronged God or whether someone had bewitched me. As if that was not enough, I began to question God as to why He had to allow me to go through such a difficult situation and make me lose my sight. Indeed, I was angry with God. I further began to blame other people, including my parents and my brothers and sisters, for what I was going through.
Despite all of this, I am now in my final year of study at Kenyatta University, having enrolled in in a programme which has given me a great sense of fulfillment. This was possible owing to the fact that I was able to acknowledge my new self, to forgive God, myself and others, and was able to develop a good relationship with them; they are now my main source of support. Another factor that gave me strength was my ability to take decisive actions against the adversity that was oppressing me. I had to take action rather than detaching myself completely from these problems and stresses and passively wishing they would just disappear.
The other great step I took was to move towards a defined goal. The fact that I was able to develop some realistic goals boosted my motivation and led to my decision to join Kenyatta University. Accepting that change is a part of life also enabled me to acknowledge the fact that certain goals may no longer be attainable because of my disability. Indeed, this decision helped me to focus on issues that were within my control. Further still, being able to nurture a positive view of myself was crucial in enhancing my confidence in the ability to solve problems.
For a whole year my life was characterized by self-pity, self-blame, thoughts of suicide, low self-esteem, poor body image, lack of ambitions, poor self-care, hatred for self, others and God. These were the most difficult moments of my life.
In summary, it was a combination of many factors that led to me thriving in spite of my disability. These included, but were not limited to: the capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out; developing a positive view of myself and confidence in my strengths and abilities; the ability to develop good skills in communication and problem solving and the capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses. My plea to all who find themselves in great or small predicaments is that they also should view the situation not as a stumbling block but a stepping stone to a better life, it is also important to add that during difficult moments, our greatest resource is ourselves, and to a lesser extent those around us - not to mention the role of our maker. Be joyful always!
Benson K Cheserem